1. There are over 400,000 kids in foster care

That’s nearly a half million infants, children, and teens in temporary care. Foster care beds are full in many states. This means that if a social worker cannot find a bed for a child in need, there is a possibility that child may sleep in a shelter, a government office, or a foster home that is already overcapacity. One more open bed can make a difference in the life of a child who just wants to be treated as a unique individual, not just a statistic.

2. There are over 100,000 foster children eligible for adoption

Being eligible for adoption means that parents have had their parental rights legally terminated and are no longer the legal guardians. If there are no appropriate relatives, a foster parent may be considered for adoption. This is a natural transition because the current foster parent already has cared for the child, knows the child’s likes, dislikes, strengths and needs, and the child is already on track to becoming part of the family.

3. The average age of a foster child is 8.5 years old

As the Opioid Crisis is on the rise, the rise in Substance Exposed Newborns is also on the rise. However, the longer a child stays in foster care, the likelihood of adoption drops. All foster children need permanency.

4. 55% of children reunify with their parents

Regardless of our feelings about birth parents, they do deserve a chance to reunite with their children. We need to consider reunification a success story and praise any parent who has turned around their life in order to do so.

5. Each year, 20,000 foster children age out of the system, leaving them more at risk for homelessness, incarceration, and unemployment.

An 18-year-old who does not get adopted and has no permanent family is at greater risk for instability in society. Older teens need to be prepared for independent living and need to know that they have someone to turn to when times get tough.

6. 1% of foster children run away from their placements

Runaways are more at risk of sex trafficking and other victimization. They are prime targets for perpetrators who want to abuse young people. They need protection.

7. 3% of foster children live with relatives (kinship) 

A kinship family is a placement where family is the ideal choice. This is not always the case, however, the family can be an ideal placement because the child already has the familiarity and the attachment to the home. The move to grandma’s or to an uncle and aunt’s home may be a smooth one.

8. 26% of foster children will be adopted

The good news is that one-quarter of all foster kids find their forever family. They go through the legal process, are matched with a loving family, and have their final court date which makes them a part of that family forever.

9. On average, foster children wait 3 years to be adopted.

Waiting to be adopted can be an excruciating thing for a foster child. The thought, “Why does nobody want me?” may cross their mind. Long court battles, instability in the birth parents’ sobriety, or simply finding a family with the skills to meet their special needs can all be factors. But when adoption does occur, it should lessen the anxiety in the child.

10. The average age of a foster child waiting to be adopted is 8 years old.

Most young couples want to adopt infants. The fact of the matter is that older children, teens, and siblings also need to be adopted. They also need permanency and a “forever family.”

These stats should be enough to motivate anyone to want to foster. It should also motivate us to become more active in advocating for children/youth in care. They deserve protection, consistency, and a future that they can count on. The numbers may overwhelm us but rest assured, we can help all of them, one kiddo at a time.

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It will be important to understand their abuse issues and how it will affect your family life. If you have biological children, please keep in mind, living with foster children will impact them. Children from hard places will find it extremely difficult to trust you because their trust has been destroyed multiple times by adults who have broken promises. Because they have been victims of abuse at the hands of their biological parents, they will struggle to feel safe and secure anywhere. Your home will be no different, even if you do everything possible to ease their fears. Your relationship with them will require a lot of patience, more than you might ever expect. I have likened these children to frightened, hurt wild animals–they are in survival mode. They will need foster parents who understand this and are able to remain patient even when they are raging.

You can’t expect children from hard places to respect your possessions or home. Just as you would baby proof your home, you must foster proof your home as well. Put away items that have a lot of sentimental value to you. Someday these items might become targets when your foster child is raging, sometimes on purpose. You can also expect damage to occur to walls, doors, woodwork, and furniture. These children can take out their feelings on inanimate objects until they learn appropriate coping skills. Therefore, it wouldn’t be advised to place important family antiques or heirloom quilts in a foster child’s bedroom.

Set structure and maintain it as best as possible. Foster children need consistent structure so they know what to expect on a daily basis. This consistency helps them build trust in you and lets them know you aren’t going to change things to cause them more harm. Talk to former foster parents and try to replicate previous structures. This will make the child’s transition easier because they don’t have to learn new rules and expectations.

Utilizing tag team parenting and respite is key to parenting foster children. Implementing a tag team parenting structure is needed because foster children will require a lot of energy and focus. Staying hypervigilant 24 hours a day, 7 days a week takes its toll, causing emotional and physical illnesses. Take advantage of respite services as much as possible, including sleep away camps during the summer. Sleepless nights begin to deteriorate your mental, physical, and emotional health. To be a successful foster parent, you have to stay fresh and focused. Build a network of friends who can give you a break at least one night a week. It might seem like a lot now, but you will need it when your stamina begins to wan. Above all else, don’t feel guilty when you use the resources. The biggest mistake I ever made as a foster parent was not using respite.

Follow through with counseling regardless if the child thinks they need it or not. Talking about their abuse history and feelings can leave the foster child feeling highly vulnerable. This is a necessity when any child goes through foster care because of the emotional damage that occurs when removed from a parent. These traumas will impact the foster child for the rest of their lives and getting help as soon as possible has proven to be beneficial.

Understand most of their behaviors stem from their emotions. There will be times when the foster child will lash out for no reason. These meltdowns can happen when things are going well and can be confusing for the unexperienced foster parent. Foster children act out when things are good for several different reasons. It will be important to talk to them after these episodes to figure out why they are self-sabotaging.

This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to fostering children from trauma. If you are serious about taking on this challenge, be prepared to experience moments of success and moments of failure. And create a network of professionals and other experienced foster parents to support you through this journey.

Written by Gelana McCloud

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Intellectual delays and special needs. Make sure you do your homework on your child’s school and academic life. If they seem to be falling behind first consider the following:

• Did they just switch schools? (Just learning the new social systems can preoccupy new foster kids–think new school schedules, locker combinations, and teachers)
• How often did they attend school prior to your home? (You can’t know what you haven’t been present to learn)
• Did they have access to proper school supplies? (Homework can’t be done if supplies weren’t available at home, which could’ve decreased their grades through no true fault of their own)
• What were they told about school in their families prior to your home? (Do you and the birth parents share similar expectations, if not, how can you work with everyone involved to create a positive message about the importance of education and learning)

Once these questions are answered and something more seems to be lacking–it’s time to call for help. If your child is school age, you can contact the school’s guidance counselor to get the ball rolling. They will then request permission from the county to evaluate the child’s abilities and will likely send home a few questionnaires for you to complete to gain some more overall insight. If the child is under three years of age, a developmental pediatrician will start you off on the right course.

It would benefit a foster parent greatly to include the child’s birth family as much as possible in the process. You as a foster parent will gain valuable information to help your child and you will make and establish trust with their birth parents. That is a win-win. When it is not possible to work with birth parents, or for additional insight, something you can and should do is to DOCUMENT everything. I can’t stress this enough.  You will be able to see patterns develop and possibly catch something that you think is insignificant that the counselors or therapists will use in their evaluation.

Emotional Delays and Special Needs. Isn’t this the heart of foster care? For one reason or another, your child is with you because of something that caused definite emotional trauma. You as the foster parent knew this was coming, you knew there would be uncomfortable conversations and long nights and now you just can’t shake the feeling that something bigger is going on. First, consider the following:

• How are visits going with parents or previous caregivers?
• Is there still a lot of confusion for the child in regards to the long term plans for them?
• Have you read any health history on their birth family? Are there red flags in the area of mental health?
• Has any other adult in care of the child expressed concerns, whether past or present?

Once you’ve answered those questions, it’s time to call in help. You need to make sure the caseworker for your child is aware of what is going on, be specific, and DOCUMENT everything. Your caseworker can point you to a licensed therapist that will see your foster child and get you moving in the right direction. In addition to something like depression, the nature of foster care itself brings on issues like RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) or anxiety. There is no definitive way to know what exactly is going on without talking to a professional even though you may already have a hunch.

Physical Delays and Special Needs. Sometimes your foster child seems to be lacking coordination, or not seeing well, or has an odd walking pattern that you just think needs a second opinion. First consider the following;

• Is what you’re seeing a product of something that is already disclosed in the initial meeting with the caseworker and is being addressed? Perhaps you just need to go over what your part in the physical therapy plan is again?
• Is your child supposed to be wearing glasses? When were there eyes last tested (if ever)?
• Do their birth parents share this odd characteristic?
• Have they had exposure to large playground equipment or access to cut with scissors or color with crayons?

Sometimes a child comes into your home and you will already know of their physical disability and determine whether or not you are up for the challenge, but sometimes this is something discovered over time by observing the child. If something comes up that was not previously documented or disclosed, its time to call in help. Start with your child’s case worker and their pediatrician. They can refer you to physical, occupational, speech, and any other types of therapists required to help your child thrive. Be ready for lots of specific questions, so again DOCUMENT everything.

All foster children have special needs. I would even go as far as to say, every child will have some type of special need that only parents will ever truly understand and appreciate. The common factors to remember when dealing with any child’s needs are to document, document, document, network with professionals in each area, and LOVE.

We have been blessed with many surprises over the years in the area of special needs. We have seen RAD in all its glory, adapted our clothing expectations to accommodate Sensory Integration Disorder, rocked and sang to babies born into addictions of all kinds, handled food and milk allergies among other things; and yet, our final adoption was of a little boy who was two years old before anyone knew he was legally blind and had albinism. So it comes in all forms, foster care and biological parenting alike.

With a strong network, a nearby documentation journal, some patience, and lots of love, you too can get through all of this! You are about to be a better advocate for your children’s care than you ever realized possible. Good luck fellow foster parenting navigators, you’ve got this!

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The most important take-away is LISTEN. Stop and listen. Listen to them when they are yelling and crying. Listen to them when they are happy and content. Listen to them when they don’t think you’re listening, and listen to them when they are sharing. You will get the information you need from listening to the foster child.

Foster kids need STABILITY. Their environment should be predictable and consistent. Post morning schedules (make bed, dress, breakfast, teeth, hair), evening schedules (snack, pajamas, teeth, reading, lights out), and even after school schedules (snack, chores, homework, free time, dinner). Post rules, post consequences, and review them regularly. Have lists everywhere. Yes, it sounds like a military camp, but these are special kiddos. Structure creates the sense of safety and security they desperately need.

Next, ATTACHMENT. A chemical called oxytocin gets released when bonding. Stimulating oxytocin production is crucial. Get down on their level, always make eye contact, and care touch as often as possible. Some want to be cuddled relentlessly; others will shy away from any physical contact. Meet them where they’re at, a gentle hand on the shoulder is still effective. Be patient, love doesn’t happen overnight. It may take months, but be consistent and changes will develop.

DON’T react to their stories. This is hard, some legitimately horrific tales may come out of their mouths. If they sense you are shocked or uncomfortable, they’ll shut down. Remain calm, maintain eye contact, and care touch if possible. Listen without judgement, and be honored they trust you. DON’T decide for the child what was traumatic. A homeless mother locked her kids in a dog cage at night. She placed blankets and covered the cage. The kids felt safe, and it wasn’t a bad memory for them. Sometimes, social workers will need to be subsequently notified. Be honest; accept that possible anger and fear are okay reactions. Remind them they are safe, and the social worker is a safe person. DON’T forget to tell them they are brave and strong for sharing.

DON’T speak poorly of the parents. This is vital. Every child’s sense of self is inextricably wrapped up in their parents. Kids are smart and will catch those murmured curses as yet another parent visit is canceled due to an unreliable vehicle, police detention, or hard night of partying. This doesn’t mean you condone the parent’s behavior. Talk about the choices the parents have made, rather than who they are as people. Some kids love and idolize their parents, fabricating elaborate stories. Others are angry and hateful. Accept their reactions, listen, and DON’T correct them.

With foster kids, buckle up for a bumpy ride! There are going to be crazy antics! It is essential to separate who the child is from what the child does. They are not the sum of their behaviors. Their pain and rage are not about you and neither are their subsequent actions and outbursts. Be firm and instill consequences, but talk after they’ve calmed. Use eye contact and care touching, and ask them what happened. Then ask them what they could’ve done differently. Help them learn. “Redos” are great, have them repeat an incorrect behavior to understand how to do it right.

Many won’t know how to self-regulate, teach them. Instruct on deep breathing, hugging themselves, squeezing a ball, or even jumping jacks to prevent losing control. Have a chill out corner they can go to when they are upset, before they get into trouble. This is a quiet private space with different textures to touch, balls to squeeze, pillows to punch, books on emotions, etc. Altering behaviors will take lots of time and patience, prepare for a marathon.

Finally, PRAISE these kids! Find anything they are doing right and praise them a nauseating amount. Their little self-esteems are frail and could use some loving! Notice when the negative behaviors are absent and applaud them for it! They went to bed without a fight, they get a huge high-five and five extra minutes of reading and cuddling the next night. If you see them self sooth or use the chill out corner, be sure let them know how PROUD of them you are. They are used to failing, set them up for a little success!

Hard places make hard kids. It’s our job to “un-hard” them. Together, we can help them learn to behave, learn to respect, learn to trust, and most importantly learn to love. Please, don’t give up.

Written By Beth Ellen

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Here are five things to consider when you’re hoping to adopt.

1)       Do you wish to adopt a child from your own community, state, or nation? Or, do you desire to internationally adopt? Regardless of your answer, it is important to educate yourself on this aspect of adopting and if adopting from another country or within your own community is right for you.

2)      Have you considered foster parenting and foster-to-adopt? Many families find that foster parenting leads to adoption. There is a whole different process for foster care. Speak to local child welfare professionals and other foster/adoptive families. Research the statistics in your home state. Learn as much as you can about trauma, child abuse, and neglect. Adopting children and youth from foster care is wonderful, but there is a lot to learn.

3)      Are you considering going through an adoption agency or an attorney? There are attorneys who specialize in domestic adoption. Families who go through attorneys are responsible for connecting with someone to write their home study, but you can do this through an independent social worker who works with the attorney to make sure all documents are completed. Going through an agency that specializes in adoption is of great value, though. These agencies work with the biological mothers and fathers to provide counsel and support. They also work on matching an adoptive family with a biological parent who is making the decision to place for adoption. Either way you go, just make sure to work with people who understand the legalities and other issues of adoption.

4)      Do you have a support system that will stick by you after adoption? This is super important. Many people are thrilled to actively support a family while they are pursuing adoption but after the adoption is finalized, the adoptive family still needs support. Learn about the various adoption support services available as well as support groups.

5)      This one may be tough to answer but it is important to ask yourself, “Am I moving past finding a child for my family to offering my family for a child?” The difference is subtle but important. In adoption, there are no perfect matches or children. If you are seeking to adopt to solely fulfill your own needs, then it might be best to wait a bit. Adoption is hard–plain and simple. Yes, you are fulfilling your desire to adopt a child, but it must also be about the needs of the children. It should always be about them.

Adoption is awesome. It really is. It is also hard, emotional, and sometimes complicated. Prospective adoptive parents need to keep an open mind and study their own hearts when making the decision to adopt. After all, adoption is a lifetime commitment.

Written by Caroline Bailey

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